Monday morning I headed to the office, ironically by car the office was only 35 minutes away, but by public transportation, my method, it took almost two hours. Two hours was a long time, too much time I thought. It’s too bad that public transportation is slow and inconvenient. On the other hand it is a great idea; it’s cheap and better for the environment. It’s a pain in the ass, that’s why most people don’t use it if they can afford anything else.

On my way to the office, I decided to get out into the fresh air after the Go-Train but before the subway.

After wandering around for a while, I headed to the closest subway station, down the stairs, paying the fare and waiting on the crowded platform for the next train. I eventually got to the end of the line, walked off the train and around the mob crowding the escalator. Up the stairs and to the surface, it was freezing outside and I could feel the cold air drying out my skin.

By the time I got to the office it was almost 3 pm; walking in, I headed to the back offices and talked to my dad. He gave me some work to do, sorting, filling and organizing, nothing exciting or fun. It was work, which meant money, which meant PlayStation 3.

Spending the rest of the week doing filing and sorting, it wasn’t hard, but it was time consuming.

PlayStation 3 had recently come out, it was top of the line, the best game console available; it was extremely powerful and the graphics were superb. I wanted it and hadn’t bought a gaming system since Nintendo 64, so this was a perfect buy. The previous PlayStation’s had done very well, so this one would likely follow suit. Consumerism and a reasoned out decision, it was a good investment given my future plans.

I wanted PlayStation and set out the goal of buying it once I had enough money. This acted as a source of motivation, a wanted material object; I would need money to buy it and in order to make money I had to work. But how could I work now? I’d been having trouble finding a job, there didn’t seem to be much, at least where I was looking. Maybe I was looking in the wrong places?

Soon after this decision had been made, I received a call from my dad; he owns a consulting firm and spent most of his time at work. The office had lots of work, mostly filling that needed to be done. My father asked, “Would you be willing to come in and do some work? I’ll pay you.” This was a great opportunity; I had determined a material goal and now had an opportunity to make the money needed to achieve it.

Dad told me he would need me on Monday, it sounded like a good plan and would help me achieve my goal, so I said “Yes!” I now had a source of income and in two weeks, I would be able to buy a PlayStation.

I was onto the trick; I realized that happiness came from inside, that’s what existentialism had taught me. I was responsible for myself; this meant that I had to make myself happy. I had to find happiness inside because that’s where it is. These ideas may not have actually come from existentialism, but they were now part of my philosophy.

Running down the street and through the park there was a garbage can; every day I would look at the message written in black paint, “Eternal happiness is found within yourself.”

The realization that happiness was found inside seemed to negate the desire for material success. If happiness was found inside, then having lots of money didn’t matter. But if having money didn’t matter, then there was no motivation to work. Why look for a career if a job doesn’t lead to happiness? I’d been thinking a lot about why I couldn’t get things done. I didn’t have any motivation to get a job or make money; I had everything I needed, there was no drive.

I started to think about a book, it was called ‘The Virtue of Selfishness’ by Ayn Rand. It focused on personal responsibility and reason, with these pillars she concluded that capitalism was the best system for getting things done. It rewards those who worked hard and punishes those who don’t; with limited resources this was necessary. I liked these ideas, they made sense, they had more relevance now, now that I didn’t have a job, now that I was out of school, now that I was free to make choices, now that I was free to live my life the way that I wanted. Freedom is daunting.

The more I thought about reason and personal responsibility, the more I realized how important it is to have goals, especially material goals; working towards them you can see results.

This seemed to suggest that the world really was the way it seemed, dominated by money and greed; it was a game that had to be played. I had also realized that happiness came from inside, but understood that in order to live, I needed to focus on physical goals and satisfaction.

All animals need at least three things for survival; food, water and shelter. As animals living in colonies with finite resources, there needs to be a way of sorting supplies and distributing. On this planet, in Canada and most other countries, the solution to this problem was found with the development of a political economical system called capitalism.

Capitalism makes it necessary for individuals to be consumers of supplies, resources, and products. In order to consume people need money; in order to make money, we need to work. So the circle was created and it worked; we needed to survive anyways.

I knew this, but it had taken a long time to accept. The funny thing was that most people had already realized this, or at least knew this was the way things were, but something was missing. For the most part, my society focused on satisfaction from outside, a satisfaction that comes from buying and possessing objects. The more you have the happier you are, at least that’s what the forces in power said.

NOW

My personal philosophy was evolving and reaching new levels; it was practical, made sense and had conclusions, or at least consequences. Since I’d been introduced to existentialism, the ideas of personal responsibility, choice, and consequences started to grow. Gaining respect as ideas, they needed to be seriously considered for action.

I realized that once I made a choice, I had to take steps to reach the conclusions. If I wanted something, I had to figure out how to make it happen, and do it. It starts with the realization of a goal, followed by setting out the steps to achieve, then following the set out steps. Setting a goal and following through.

These ideas were filling my head, I was starting to believe in them and they were actually starting to affect my life. I realized that if a plan worked out, it was because I had done what was necessary and followed the steps. On the other side of the coin, if things weren’t working out, it was because I wasn’t working on the necessary steps.

I’d always had trouble motivating myself, getting in line and getting things done. My motivation seemed to have left me at some point in the past, I don’t know when or how, but there had to be a cause. One day while listening to The Roots album I heard some words that made sense; they were in line with my new world view, and they were practical. ‘Paperchase motivated.’

I may be crazy, but what do I know. I had a day dream of what could be, it was strange and out of this world. My whole life planned out before me. I’m reminded of what Justin said, “I’ll still be living long after your die. That’s what happens to healthy people. They die ironically and too soon.”

I’m reminded again of David’s words, “I don’t believe him, he lies all the time.” Maybe it’s true; I just can’t see though. The lies come out of my eyes, my words believe what I see.

“I know everything!” I shout; David quickly responds, “What is the third word on the cover?” I quickly say, “I don’t know, but there is a stipulation. I know everything within my ‘experience.’” He picks up the book and flashes it before my eyes. He asks again, “What is the third word?” Thinking for a moment I wonder, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if I got it right?’

I cannot lie, so I tell the truth. “I don’t know.”

He’s caught me in a lie; beside me Nic says, “You don’t know everything!” he’s right I don’t know anything.

Back to where I am, I can’t trust what I see; maybe that’s the lie. Opening my mind, using my imagination. It flows into the wild.

A new life starts today.