It’s almost midnight, and there’s school in the morning. My housemates are already in bed sleeping; needing to escape the isolation of a basement I decide to go for a walk. Nightly walks help; the fresh air clears my mind and makes sleep possible. Usually my mind would wander, and freedom was temporarily found. Today was different; extremely focused on the darkness, I could think of nothing else. These thoughts usually came, but never like this.
Leaving the house, and walking awhile, I pass a vast empty field. Stopping, I look up to the sky; it’s black. I say to myself, `the sky doesn`t usually look like this!` It’s filled with ash black clouds; they hang in the sky like melted tar. It doesn`t smell or feel like rain, nor has the forecast called for it; the sky sure is playing the part though.
Walking the warn path, thinking and occasionally speaking out loud, I stay focused on the sorry state of the world; wars, disease, AIDS, death, murder, apathy, doubt, insecurity, empty hearts and minds. These problems don`t really matter, they’re just excuses, topics of conversations and sources of distraction. The real cause is within.
Walking, more terrible thoughts fill my mind. This works to cause more sadness, and conviction in the darkness that is. It’s pitch-black; the only light comes from the windows of the houses along the street. Continuing to walk, there is a sudden realization of the emptiness of the streets. Loneliness sets in.
Reaching the intersection at the end of the street a decision has to be made. “What direction?” Starving for a change, I turn left where I’d usually go right. Waiting for the lights to change, time stands still. It’s taking forever, frustration hits me like a brick wall. Inside voices almost inaudible say ‘relax’ ‘take a deep breath’ ‘cool down’ and ‘take it easy.’ Then an even louder voice shouts ‘NO!’ The light changes to green and the hand turns into a man; crossing the road with determination more anger boils up inside.
Across the street a fence lies knocked over and broken, it can easily be stepped over. Beyond, an expansive field calls my name. Crossing the street, I take a look, a brief distraction. With a quick glance there is a lot to explore, intuition takes charge, and I step into the unknown.
In the center of the field, there is a panoramic view of all directions. In the distance wave’s crash against the shore, the wind rushes in all directions. Looking back, the path already taken calls my name, and a voice says ‘Don’t go any further.” In one direction there is another 100 yards, then an old rickety fence and some trees. In the other, more fields and a farm house. Trespassing is a crime, and a crazy farmer with a 12 gage shotgun isn’t too good either.
There is only one option as it becomes clear what is ahead. The wave’s become louder, but nothing more can be seen. There is a slope in the terrene; looking to the sky, it is darker than before, and with the change in surroundings, there is no longer any artificial light to compensate.
Twenty meters ahead there is a cliff; beyond that, the lake fills the horizon. The sky is jet black, and the darkness of the water absorbs all light. There are more clouds here then there were over the house. They are much darker, too.
A few steps forward to reach the edge. Looking down, there is a drop; twenty feet of gravel, sand, and rocks. Easing forward and taking a seat, feet hanging over the edge. Thinking about the darkness; tonight is so sad. Everyday is the same; a repeat of the past. Sadness is all that lasts. Sadness cannot describe this feeling; it’s depression, and has been part of life for many years. There is no cause, it just is.
It could have been shyness, or an inability to talk to people; maybe loneliness, but he had a loving family. Nothing seemed to work, there was no cure; something was missing or maybe someone was missing. It could have been the past; as a child, the kids at school made life a living hell. Every day they made fun of him, and every night he cried himself to sleep. It must have created a mental complex that could not be escaped.
Would living ever feel better? Would this depression ever end? Was this the way things were suppose to be? Could things ever change? If this was life, what was the point? Negative thoughts kept flowing, the sadness became even more pronounced. Losing a grip on reality, all reason failed.
This is what depression does; it seems impossible to escape. The mind keeps following the same neural networks; there is no other way to think. Depression is a feedback loop that acts as a source for more depression; once pulled in, there is no way out. Life is seen though a dark lens, and every experience acts as proof of the worthlessness of life. With depression, reason no longer matters, because it can no longer be used. Emotions cloud judgment.
On the edge, the water is black like oil, the sky is gloomy, and my mind is useless. Looking down, it’s a lengthy fall. ‘What would happen if I jumped?’ The ground is covered with rocks, and the waves are crashing against the shore. ‘Is it worth it?’ ‘Will I die?’ It would end this awful life, and the pain would go away.
Standing up and looking down, the drop is much larger now. Looking up, the sky is dead, for as far as the eyes can see, there is no distinction to where the water meets the clouds. This is the highest point on all sides; the clouds are crashing but there is no sound. Closed eyes and dark thoughts, there is nothing else. Life is empty and there is nothing left to do. There’s no way to think any differently.
Jumping is a perfect solution. Eyes closed, the waves get rougher, and the wind gets louder…
A deep breath and then another, this is enough to regain some thinking skills. Eyes open and look down.
The drop isn’t straight to the ground, the face of the bluff is lumpy, and a running long jump would be needed to clear the face. This would mean landing in the water. More thoughts and a realization; jumping won’t cause death, but it will cause more suffering.
Hitting the ground would break both legs, and my head would hit a rock. Bleeding slowly, laying there for hours suffering. No one knew where I was; weeks later, my body would be found and the news would cover the story; no one would ever know what happened.
Being depressed, I wanted to die, but it had to be quick; this would just cause more pain.
Turning around, I headed back home.
